#lemme give you a rundown of my life #i’ve spent 60 years in the wilds of the north being a god damn ranger #i’ve tracked down motherfuckin gollum and brought him to mirkwood #do you know what mirkwood is #do you know the kind of spiders that live there #yeah i thought not #i have battled orc armies in THREE CONSECUTIVE MOVIES #I HAVE RAN ACROSS THE FIELDS OF ROHAN #do you know how big that is #it’s like the english countryside but as big and as wide as motherfuckin canada #(i’m guessing) #i have battled the RINGWRAITHS. ya that’s right. all nine of them. WITH A TORCH. AND FOUR HOBBITS WIELDING TOOTHPICKS. #with the one ring as bait #i have been dragged down a cliff by a fuckin warg #i have summoned the armies of the dead to defeat the corsairs of umbar #i have lived a hard motherfuckin life and if you think bad dental hygiene will scare me then bitch the only scary thing about that is the amount of STDs i can catch if i stick my tongue in your mouth #go home. you’ve been dismissed.

(via sweetsassymollassy)

Source: shephards

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